Friday, July 9, 2010

Vampire Squirrels on the Moon!

It was a dark and starry night. The solar wind had quit howling as the sun set, leaving the landscape with a sense of tense waiting as if an unspeakable evil is about to wake. A dark rustle is heard but the source cannot be located. (I know, sound in vacuum? Suspend your disbelief already.) Tiny glints of reflected starlight can be seen in the distance like evil things that reflect light from far away. Fear grips you like an ice cream headache.

A panicked run will not help you, screaming will only help *them* find you. You look for a place to hide. Over there, to the left! No, your other left dummy! A large hole in the ground that's large enough to hide your fear in. And it is large.

Looking out from your hidey hole you begin to feel hope, like a straining bear who managed to catch a claw in the running hiker. Perhaps you will live though the night after all. As you settle in for your long wait to daylight you notice that the small cave that you are cowering in is remarkably comfortable. And warm. And a little stinky. And teeth line the walls. And there is a large tongue on the floor that disappears deeper into the ground. Perhaps you should have inspected your coward cave a little better before you dove in, genius. You are in a space sloth's mouth! You have only bare hours to escape before the giant beast bites down and swallows you up like something yummy that it likes to eat!

Peeking out of the sloth, you see the dreaded Vampire Squirrels on the Moon outside. They are waiting. They have a sign: "please remove yourself from our sloth". They have formed a protest.

Much later  you reflect on what good people Vampire Squirrels really are. The offer to share a pint with you was terribly considerate. You feel a little woozy though.


  1. LOL! I love the line about gripping you like an ice cream headache.

  2. Yhough the lunar vampire squirrels genre has been done pretty much to death--including 2006's unfortunate Lindsay Lohan vehicle "Bird Feeder Tranquility Base"--this story breathes new life into it.

    The casting of Philip Seymour Hofman as the sloth was a stroke of genius, and while the movie departs in some slight details from the above excerpted book, the terror and pathos remain. The sub-genre of cowardly fiction, or "Chicken Lit", is better for this addition. Bravo!

  3. some things I just really have no possible answer for. Possibly because I am woozy from having been bit by a vampire squirrel...

  4. Yowza.

    Picked up on yours through Darth Weasel.

    Funny blog. Might even give what's-her-name a good run for her money. :D