Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Dear Diary

It is day 212 of this befouled journey. I have not scribed anew this book for a week as my hands were broken as a result of failing to smile at our feminine figurehead during the weekly obsequiousity ritual.
Our company is down to twenty-five souls from the original eighty. Our heaviest losses were last Thursday and Friday when we lost two score and three of our crew because of a grave error from our fearless leader.

Morale is very low now, there is an undercurrent of dissent amongst the remainders. "I'll give that cockswaggle Captain a fist-bath!" and other ejaculations have been heard. Hastings has been unique in his loud outbursts and virulent mutterings. I suspect that he will not last long.

Our glorious Captain has been trying to conceal the state of our larders, but his hungry leering follow the more robust of the men. Soon we all will follow suit.

A polite scratch at the door beckons me away for now. Too polite a scratching by a measure, I hope I will return.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Weakly ride report

For some reason Darthweasel has been rather cagey about letting his image be published to the intertubes. I snapped this picture of him as we were preparing our bikes for a small easy ride this morning, I hope I do not have a jihad declared on me for posting it.

Here is the ride report:
"Let's go this way!"   "OK"
This discourse may have been unwise.

DarthWeasel proved to be an able coach. After many grueling uphill miles (with DW shouting "Come on! You ride like old people fu....ride!" we hit the velodrome. Education was provided on the finer points of a team pass. My brain got bigger.

As a reward we had donuts and more steep hills. Each hill was steeper than the last until finally we were actually breaking the laws of physics. This continued until my spirit was completely broken. DW laughed and laughed when I complained, then shouted "Silence! I KEEL you"

When at last we were out of hills to throw ourselves against, it was time to go downhill. And downhill we went, 30 to 40mph powered only by gravity. Many miles we went downhill. And then we were back at maison de Darthweasel

Sadly, I heard a news report that a group of annoyed terrain features altered DW in an unpleasant way.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Weakly ride report

Not so many miles this week, about 60 ish. I recorded my last ride, by being what Riot Kitty calls "Geeky". Click here to view the map.

Only a few cycling things of interest this week; I picked up some new pedals and shoes that want to kill me. Imagine a human-sized beetle upside down under a bicycle, feet still attached, and you will know what happens when the (defective and homicidal) pedal does not release the shoe. I also (much to Riot Kitty's dismay) purchased a spandex clownsuit. They look funny but it feels like you are riding naked. In a good way.

Darthweasel's bike also has taken a dislike for humanity so we did not ride together this week. This will not abide.

-This post has been inspected and approved.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Why it takes me a long time to blog.

You will have noticed that there is usually a long gap between my blog postings. I will explain to you why this in necessary and important.

I break down my blog writing process in to separate steps. Each step consumes between a few minutes and a week of my time. I could cut corners and skip some of these steps but I want my readers to have the best experience possible so I do not skimp any part of the process. Here are a few examples:

1: Writing the post. This is the easy part. I only have to ensure that the computer is clean, run a line quality test, measure the voltages and Ph levels of the backup batteries, and adjust the room lighting to the required lumen and color temperature levels. I then type in the content.

2: Verifying content. A copy editor with a contractual obligation is retained at all times to find and document all spelling and grammar errors. This is part of the ISO 9001 program requirement.

3: Verifying media. This is the time consuming part. I must take a 20% random sample of the displayed lettering, remove the sample lot from the screen and subject them to these tests: Opacity (over 80%) Edge smoothness (less than .5 micron) Modulus of elasticity (greater than 3k psi), Specific gravity (over 6.2), Transconductance (over 9 millisiemens), Optical index (within 5% of display surface), Speed of reflected photon propagation (= 6.626 × 10−34h), and reference color wheel for suitability.

Assuming that all components of the blog have passed the physical testing I then send them out for electrical testing to ensure that the FCC, CEN, BSI, and VDE.

These are only a few of the seven steps that I use to engineer the end user's experience to nearly 100% optimum state. I can only control the content at the source. If this blog has any flaws apparent at the terminus, a form 2074.3 /A rev. 2.6 is required to be completed. An associate will be dispatched to correct the consumers equipment, or in semi-rare cases, the consumer.

Monday, March 7, 2011


The only remnant of the building's significant history is 4 parallel scratches deep in the door frame, now wet with rain or the synthetic equivalent. Many years ago the mention of "Petrov's Pets and Fish" brought awe and respect to the do-badders of the the city but now it is just another husked squat.

The squinchy little man walks up to the now defunct pet store doorway with reverence draped on him like a large cat. Reaching out and touching the 4 gouges in the wood he shivers a little remembering the sounds of the epic battle fought here, the slap of suckers against fur, claws scraping beak, and ink splashing on the floor tiles.

This is where the Fibonacci three plus five ruled.

This is where the Grey Menace rose to power.

This is where Osvaldo conceded defeat.

This is where the the squinchy man made his pledge.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

as much sex appeal as a road accident

Oh freddled gruntbuggly thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles,
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

No pigs, squirrels, or lunar vampires. Only a list.

I was talking with Riot Kitty when I realized that not everyone knew what the best recorded guitar solos are. I listed off the top 5 (mainstream-ish) guitar solo songs to her, for educational purposes. I will do the same for you. If you disagree, you are wrong.

In no order: Links go to youtube videos.
Comfortably Numb
All along the Watchtower
Bohemian Rhapsody
Cemetery Gates
Sultans of Swing

Now you know. And knowing is half the battle.