Friday, July 2, 2010

I'm glad that I am not a Squirrel

Five reasons why I am glad that I am not a squirrel.

1: The hours. A squirrel has to be up all hours of the day and night fighting crime and preventing natural disasters. I need my sleep.

2: The fur. Most people think that squirrels grow their own fur. This is not true. PETA protests furriers for squirrels regularly.

3: The diet. I don't like fish. I also don't like cold water. Everyone has seen the films of majestic packs of squirrels hunting salmon in Puget Sound. This is not for me.

4: Language: Squirrels have 27 different words for kill, 21 different words for menace, and 33 different words for cuddle. I don't think I could master the subtleties of Sqeakish.

5: The smells: Squirrels have a very sharp and refined sense of smell. The average squirrel can tell what your cousin in Oklahoma thinks of Sarah Palin just by smelling the exhaust from your car. There are many, many smells that I do not want to get to know better.

I will stick to being a Lorax for now.