The Unpleasant Harold.

3100BC-
The councilors of Urik voted that Unpleasant Harold was more trouble than he was really worth. A vessel was prepared that would contain the rain god in mild discomfort. Made of heavily cuneiformed baked clay and lac resin, this large vase should stand the ravings and bangings of the bastard rain god until the end of time.
A candied grasshopper (Unpleasant Harold's favorite) was placed in the vessel as a lure. When the damp deity tried to grab his snack, the lid came down, trapping the little shit forever. The vase was thrown into the ocean. There was much rejoicing.

Very recent history-
A filthy vase that had been tossed about in all the worlds seas was bumping against the wreck of the Isabella. A small crack that had been formed five hundred years before (a squid had tried to reproduce with it) suddenly opened and the lid fell right off. Unpleasant Harold was free!
The first thing that Unpleasant Harold did was to pull out his iPhone and check email. No new emails.
The second thing that Unpleasant Harold did was to get on check his twitter. 198,223,125 new tweets! The most recent one read "Bob_Tres Looking forward to a week of riding. This sunny Oregon weather is wonderful. Tryin' 4 200mi."

This really angered Unpleasant Harold as he was a bit of a spelling and grammer nazi. And the parts with "sunny" and "weather" and "wonderful". "We'll see about that!" said the decanted dickhead.

Unpleasant Harold brought his hands together, and there was evaporation. Unpleasant Harold used a rude finger gesture and there was condensation. Unpleasant Harold said a naughty word and there was precipitation. Unpleasant Harold touched himself...just a little bit...and there was a prevailing wind to carry the squishy air to Oregon.
"That will do for that bobtres and his bike ride and his grammar!" The soaked god of Sumer wades out of the waves while checking his iPhone to see what is new in porn.

Today-
"Weakly ride report." Bob Tres writes. "Rained out."