Jane Austen's Pancetta

"Oh, Mr. Legge-Bourke, You know I cannot come away with you because my family's fortune is on the wane and soon I feel that Father might loose his peerage."

"Worry yourself not, Ms. Rentoul. With the coming of Mr.______ you will needs nothing toward your wants."

"If only Mr.______ could arrive soon-haste. Our sty needs re-guilding. I have a shame by it. Mr. Legge-Bourke, could you see us a marriage under the rose? It would take a great burden from my hocks."

"Ms. Rentoul! You know everything in which I involve myself is always quite Bristol!"

"Truly, Mr. Legge-Bourke, truly."

powerline

A power line was knocked down across the street last night so I ran right out with a camera. Classy, I know.

Moose and Lion

"Lion, You are invited to dinner." Moose whispered.

The most awesome and cool toy car ever!

Yes, it is real. You can believe your eyes.

It is national Be Kind to Spiders Day! Note: do not read.

This day, for some, it the most holy day of the year. Today is the day that you should show your eight legged companion the love and respect that he or she deserves. There are many ways of doing this.

For example I just helped Esmerelda (a jumping spider) down from her frightening stay on the ceiling. I asked where she wanted to go, and she informed me that jumping spiders are partial to sleeping in pillowcases.

Ethen (a hobo spider) managed to get stuck in the bathtub. A chauffeured ride to the back garden later and now we are fast friends. We have beer and poker nights every Thursday.

Ellen (a wolf spider although she sees herself as a couger) was looking kind of blue as she sat on the kitchen soap. We got to talking and I discovered that all she needed was a darker shade of lipstick to really perk up her self image.Ellen really loves her new goth look and has been quite successful with the younger men.

Now here are a few bit of trivia that I bet you did not know:

• If you gift a favor to a spider, they will change the oil in your car.
• Spiders are very affectionate and love a good cuddle.
• All spiders must have at least two of the letter E in their name. This is just good sense.
  
• If you walk though a narrow place and get a web across the face, that is the web owner's way of claiming you as his bitch.
• Spiders are the Giraffes fiercest enemy.
• All arachnids can cross breed with rodents.
  
• It is considered good luck to have a spider swinging from your sunvisor while you drive.

Pigford T. Swineforth

Hello. My name is Pigford T. Swineforth. I am writing to you today to tell you about my new year resolutions. In case you are wondering why I would share my porcine thoughts with you, it is to satisfy a court order.

Resolution #1: I will treat my employees with the respect that they deserve. Oh, the pink slips will fly. If hear "minimum wage violation" or "I have rights" again I'll outsource all their jobs to Haiti.

Resolution #2: I will find a better accountant. I will have to spend nearly 3 percent of my income in taxes. I have a feeling that my accountant will go to the police again if I try to convince him any harder than I have already.

Resolution #3: My son. He has to go. All day and all night I worry about his "ethics" and "decency" that he keeps throwing in my face. Perhaps he is still bitter about the limp that he picked up during his childhood education.

Resolution #4: Sex. I'll find something new. I've exhausted the talent of the local service providers and have had to turn to the internet. I've reached the end of the internet and cannot find anything new, I'll just have to invent a new way to do it.

Resolution #5: I will lose weight. I measure 5 hands across the back and the local restaurants keep inviting me into the kitchen for tours. I do not trust them.

Resolution #6: Take care of the neighbors. They keep posting videos of me on youtube. This has to stop. Perhaps a visit from a Blackwater consultant will help then see my point of view.

Resolution #7: Inquire about having my Hummer stretched and widened. Also if the engine can me changed to flex fuel (gasoline or rendered seal fat) that would be great.

Resolution #9: I will take further measures to make sure that the gifts and services I provide to our great politicians are fully appreciated.

Resolution #10: Adopt a kitty. I want a cute cuddly kitty.

Thank you for reading my list. By reading this list you have agreed to indenture yourself to Pigforth Heavy Industries (PHI) for the period of 1 year.

I have a new love in my life.

First I have to apologize to the previous love of my life. If you read the last post, you will know that she and I met while roasting owls over a fire at a lumberjack camp. It pains me to think of the heartbreak that I am going to cause when I tell her about my new love. I don't want to hurt her, but it is sort of her fault that I am head over heels again. If she had not done that thing that she did then I would not have this conflict.

I should not even think that way.

As I write this, I am wondering if perhaps my new love would feel weird about being invited into an existing relationship. I still have very deep feelings for my wonderful wife, perhaps she would agree to a third? I'll probably end up living alone if I asked my two dearest into the same bed.

But maybe. Just maybe. The reward is almost worth the risk.

Let me know what you think. Here is a link to a few pictures of my happiness.