Thursday, December 31, 2009

Pigford T. Swineforth

Hello. My name is Pigford T. Swineforth. I am writing to you today to tell you about my new year resolutions. In case you are wondering why I would share my porcine thoughts with you, it is to satisfy a court order.

Resolution #1: I will treat my employees with the respect that they deserve. Oh, the pink slips will fly. If hear "minimum wage violation" or "I have rights" again I'll outsource all their jobs to Haiti.

Resolution #2: I will find a better accountant. I will have to spend nearly 3 percent of my income in taxes. I have a feeling that my accountant will go to the police again if I try to convince him any harder than I have already.

Resolution #3: My son. He has to go. All day and all night I worry about his "ethics" and "decency" that he keeps throwing in my face. Perhaps he is still bitter about the limp that he picked up during his childhood education.

Resolution #4: Sex. I'll find something new. I've exhausted the talent of the local service providers and have had to turn to the internet. I've reached the end of the internet and cannot find anything new, I'll just have to invent a new way to do it.

Resolution #5: I will lose weight. I measure 5 hands across the back and the local restaurants keep inviting me into the kitchen for tours. I do not trust them.

Resolution #6: Take care of the neighbors. They keep posting videos of me on youtube. This has to stop. Perhaps a visit from a Blackwater consultant will help then see my point of view.

Resolution #7: Inquire about having my Hummer stretched and widened. Also if the engine can me changed to flex fuel (gasoline or rendered seal fat) that would be great.

Resolution #9: I will take further measures to make sure that the gifts and services I provide to our great politicians are fully appreciated.

Resolution #10: Adopt a kitty. I want a cute cuddly kitty.

Thank you for reading my list. By reading this list you have agreed to indenture yourself to Pigforth Heavy Industries (PHI) for the period of 1 year.


  1. I'm pretty sure Neocons are bloodless, so #10 has to be a joke, right? Happy New Year!

  2. Pig forrrrrrrrrrrd!!! Where is my alimony, you boasting, bombastic boorish barrow full of bacon???

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  4. number 5 has to be my favorite. "I do not trust tehm" classic