Sunday, November 29, 2009

Now you've done it.

The setup:
You are a poor sharecropper from Mississippi with 8 children. The rent is due, the kids need dental work, your wife (or significant otter) needs more 80 proof medicine, and you are out of sour cream and weetabix.

Today you though that you'd make a nice toast and drown your sorrows in butter and strawberry jam. How could you possibly be prepared to have your yummy dreams cruelly torn from you by Jesus appearing on your delicious snack.

The reaction:
After the media, talk radio, and the very reverend C.D. Plunkitt leave you receive a phone call. It is offering $1.37 million for your toast. You of course jump at the offer thinking that you buy a swimming pool and fill it with sour cream and weetabix.
A McMansion is promptly helicoptered in.

The aftermath:
You wake up with the Angel Gabriel standing at the foot of your bed with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. As he goes to work on you he patiently explains that Jesus was sent to your toast to deliver a message of your higher purpose uniting all peoples and religions. Over your screams he expresses sorrow that you would sell your divine foodstuff to buy the American dream as seen on TV. His words: "Son, I am disappoint."

In your haste to get on MTV's "Cribs", you did not get medical insurance. Now you are in the red for $600k and have a permanent limp.



  1. There is a weird synchronicity at work here. My twin, Riot Kitty, has alerted me this very day that you, Bob, ("Hi, Bob!") bear a disturbing resemblance to my alter-ego Babs, at Objets D'art, except without the driver. I have arrived here with all speed, only to find that it's true. Why, she too has posted most recently about Jay. I feel certain that these are unmistakable signs of the End Times, when Wheatabix shall rain from angry skies and the unrighteous shall be forced to watch "Friends" until they are cleansed by ordeal.

    I'm sorry, but I have to go lie down now. Please continue your holy mission, Bob.

  2. I'm still laughing at the pic of Jesus on that piece of I sit here reading this right before breakfast. Who knows, this could be my lucky day (?). I'll let you know if any famous people pop up in my toaster! :)