Saturday, November 28, 2009

Behold Raccoons, ye mortals, and despair!

There are a few things that you should know about raccoons. They have an image of being funny and friendly in a scary sort of way. This is exactly what they want you to think.

The most important thing to keep in mind is to never !!NEVER!! enter into a contractual agreement with this animal. If you think that herpes is hard to get rid of, you should try seperating yourself from woodland litigation.

The second thing that you should know about raccoons is that they do not, in fact, lust for your soul. That is the territory of the swan. The raccoon lusts for your action figures and your cow knickknacks. These are both used in horrific rituals that you are better off not knowing about.

Last, and most importantly, If you find yourself cornered by raccoons (at a country and western bar perhaps), your best defense is to keep calm and let them kill you gently. If you panic, you'll just die tired. Who wants to enter Valhalla all worn out?


  1. Woodland litigation be damned! I'm going head to head with these furry little fuckers.

  2. You must excuse my twin, Riot Kitty. The cancellation of "Celebrity Bumper Pool" has left her bitter and deranged with grief.

    What I want to know is this: I own no action figures nor cow kitsch. Will they steal my Joan Jett Barbie? If so, I will have to stop viewing them as the celestial messengers I have always viewed them as, and count them as second in evil only to Shamwow hucksters.

    Thank you for this important report!