Sunday, November 28, 2010

Christmas aggression and that bastard Santa

Parking has just become much more difficult with the soccer moms flinging their SUVs  around looking for the perfect parking spot that they feel entitled to. The blood is in the water now, the sharks are all out. People who are polite before thanksgiving will now cheerfully cripple you if you are between them and the pepsi display.

I blame Santa.

Just who does he think he is, self-righteously ignoring international law, spying on you, and catagorizing you based on a set of rules that he made up. I think that John Ashcroft and Santa are related or something.

About these rules: Naughty.....Nice.....whatever. There are only two categories. Are your deeds judged by severity? Quantity? Morality? If you pet your dog once for every time you kill a hitchhiker do you break even? What if you are a do-gooding saint but selfish in bed? Let's say you bugger a sheep. Texas; nice, NYC; naughty? WTF!

I think that Santa uses his vast surveillance network for his own sinister purposes. For him all the world's peoples are just a jerry springer show.

I say Revolution! Don't give the fat man his kicks. Sit and stare! Don't do anything worth watching. Not even in the shower. Embrace stillness, silence, and calm. We will ruin Christmas but regain our privacy. I'm starting now.


  1. John Ashcroft...Santa...who's counting? :)

  2. Well, as an authorized representative, I can say you moved from the nice list to the naughty list based on your spelling of the word "categorizing". Proper performances of "rocky Mountain High" in the shower in the future may move you back.

    Should you fail to comply with our very reasonable demands, expect a visit from the Hannukah Bunny. He is very similar to the easter bunny except he drops stuff from his rear end that ain't eggs...and he resembles birds.

    you have been warned.

  3. Well, might I suggest listening to my two favorite anti-Christmas songs to always keep you in the mood?

    "Father Christmas" by The Kinks

    "Here Comes Fatty Claus" by Rudolph & The Gang