Pigford T. Swineforth

Hello. My name is Pigford T. Swineforth. I am writing to you today to tell you about my new year resolutions. In case you are wondering why I would share my porcine thoughts with you, it is to satisfy a court order.

Resolution #1: I will treat my employees with the respect that they deserve. Oh, the pink slips will fly. If hear "minimum wage violation" or "I have rights" again I'll outsource all their jobs to Haiti.

Resolution #2: I will find a better accountant. I will have to spend nearly 3 percent of my income in taxes. I have a feeling that my accountant will go to the police again if I try to convince him any harder than I have already.

Resolution #3: My son. He has to go. All day and all night I worry about his "ethics" and "decency" that he keeps throwing in my face. Perhaps he is still bitter about the limp that he picked up during his childhood education.

Resolution #4: Sex. I'll find something new. I've exhausted the talent of the local service providers and have had to turn to the internet. I've reached the end of the internet and cannot find anything new, I'll just have to invent a new way to do it.

Resolution #5: I will lose weight. I measure 5 hands across the back and the local restaurants keep inviting me into the kitchen for tours. I do not trust them.

Resolution #6: Take care of the neighbors. They keep posting videos of me on youtube. This has to stop. Perhaps a visit from a Blackwater consultant will help then see my point of view.

Resolution #7: Inquire about having my Hummer stretched and widened. Also if the engine can me changed to flex fuel (gasoline or rendered seal fat) that would be great.

Resolution #9: I will take further measures to make sure that the gifts and services I provide to our great politicians are fully appreciated.

Resolution #10: Adopt a kitty. I want a cute cuddly kitty.

Thank you for reading my list. By reading this list you have agreed to indenture yourself to Pigforth Heavy Industries (PHI) for the period of 1 year.

I have a new love in my life.

First I have to apologize to the previous love of my life. If you read the last post, you will know that she and I met while roasting owls over a fire at a lumberjack camp. It pains me to think of the heartbreak that I am going to cause when I tell her about my new love. I don't want to hurt her, but it is sort of her fault that I am head over heels again. If she had not done that thing that she did then I would not have this conflict.

I should not even think that way.

As I write this, I am wondering if perhaps my new love would feel weird about being invited into an existing relationship. I still have very deep feelings for my wonderful wife, perhaps she would agree to a third? I'll probably end up living alone if I asked my two dearest into the same bed.

But maybe. Just maybe. The reward is almost worth the risk.

Let me know what you think. Here is a link to a few pictures of my happiness.