I am working on a new skill...

I have many skills, none are very useful, but they amuse me. In the search for a new technique to master, I was told that the local community college was offering a course in creepy looks and stares. To succsessfully complete the course you should be able to look like this:

Now this could be very useful in many situations, such as: Jehovah's witnesses at you door, at a job interview, waiting in line at the DMV or Post Office, sex with a stranger, and many others.

Here is a mini blog within a blog of my classes:
Week 1: We were shown A Clockwork Orange repeatedly until we could sit though it with a straight face.
Week 2: 20 hours of being heckled by Scientology councilors.
Week 3: Chemical purge of hormones
Week 4: Required to show no outward emotion while viewing Westboro baptist church sermons
Week 5: Homework. Trips to the zoo to stare down large cats and owls.
Week 6: Now we had the emotionless stare, we had to make it creepy. We spent the week watching chess tournaments with porn soundtracks overdubbed. That worked well for all of us increasingly chemical dependent students.
Week 7: Homework.Scare strangers on a bus. To do this I bussed about reading Twilight and muttering approving noises into a portable tape recorder.

Next week if my final exam. I know intellectually that I would be nervous if I had any emotions left intact. I would let you know how it goes, but it really does not matter.

Whatever.

The number 20

If you are shopping for a new number, I suggest that you consider the number twenty.

Twenty was invented in the late 1300s by a French monk. An Englishman had just called him "a cheese-eating surrender monkey" and the monk replied with "I shall install nineteen, no...uh....TWENTY, Yes, twenty lices in your underwear!"  The Englishman did not know what twenty was, but he knew about lices so he apologized and went on his way.

The historical significance of the number twenty has shining moments and dark times as well. There were twenty people on the moon in 1969 when NASA held their first annual kegger in a crater party. On the darker side, Torquemada used twenty spikes and twenty heathens in his directorial debut "Happy Huggy Questions and Answers".

Twenty is also very versatile.You can use it to change a flat tire, divide it by broccoli, whiten your teeth, and also for your, um, marital problems.

In short: buy it now! Or buy eighty and share with friends! Just leave me alone...

Paid for by the four times five council.

Vampire Squirrels on the Moon!

It was a dark and starry night. The solar wind had quit howling as the sun set, leaving the landscape with a sense of tense waiting as if an unspeakable evil is about to wake. A dark rustle is heard but the source cannot be located. (I know, sound in vacuum? Suspend your disbelief already.) Tiny glints of reflected starlight can be seen in the distance like evil things that reflect light from far away. Fear grips you like an ice cream headache.

A panicked run will not help you, screaming will only help *them* find you. You look for a place to hide. Over there, to the left! No, your other left dummy! A large hole in the ground that's large enough to hide your fear in. And it is large.

Looking out from your hidey hole you begin to feel hope, like a straining bear who managed to catch a claw in the running hiker. Perhaps you will live though the night after all. As you settle in for your long wait to daylight you notice that the small cave that you are cowering in is remarkably comfortable. And warm. And a little stinky. And teeth line the walls. And there is a large tongue on the floor that disappears deeper into the ground. Perhaps you should have inspected your coward cave a little better before you dove in, genius. You are in a space sloth's mouth! You have only bare hours to escape before the giant beast bites down and swallows you up like something yummy that it likes to eat!

Peeking out of the sloth, you see the dreaded Vampire Squirrels on the Moon outside. They are waiting. They have a sign: "please remove yourself from our sloth". They have formed a protest.

Much later  you reflect on what good people Vampire Squirrels really are. The offer to share a pint with you was terribly considerate. You feel a little woozy though.

Attn: DarthWeasel

Performance. Instead of emailing, I thought to blog this to you.

I have been informed of a tagging.

Tagged. Me. Are we in such a poor state of affairs that a upstanding blogger like myself could be tagged without so much as a second thought? Is true.

1.) WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ? Brooks Brothers 3pc. pinstripe with a white spandex bodysuit underneath. You know, just in case.

2.) WHAT IS ONE THING THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU THE MOST ? Why did he say that?

3.) WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOMEONE SAY ABOUT YOU ? Please Sir, may I have another?

4.) WHAT PERFUME OR COLOGNE DO YOU WEAR ? I brew my own cologne from pure distilled rainwater and ambergris.

5.) VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE ? Chocolate if it comes in a bar, Vanilla if it comes in a tub.

6.) PLAYBOY OR MAXIM ? There are those who would find these choices limited. I have the internet.

7.) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE WITH ON THE PHONE ? Riot Kitty

8.) WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR A RINGTONE ? Rrrringgg......Rrringgg.... and so on.

9.) WHAT MOUNTAIN DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL TO MOST ? The Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol
Come trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats
And the railway bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew
And of whiskey too
You can paddle all around it
In a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

10.) IF YOU ARE A MAN... ARE YOU A LEG MAN OR AN ASS MAN ? Both. Sooner would be better than later.

12.) DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOING DUTCH ON A FIRST DATE ? I prefer that she pay.

13.) WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR DATE FROM THE INTERNET SHOWED UP AND LOOKED 10 YEARS OLDER AND AT LEAST 30 LBS HEAVIER THAN IN THE PICTURE ? Depends on the picture that I forst say. It could be good, it could be bad.

14.) MEN.... WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WOKE UP AND DISCOVERED YOU HAVE A WOMAN'S BODY? I have one, right next to me. (in a non-creepy way...Sheesh, you people!)

I'm glad that I am not a Squirrel

Five reasons why I am glad that I am not a squirrel.

1: The hours. A squirrel has to be up all hours of the day and night fighting crime and preventing natural disasters. I need my sleep.

2: The fur. Most people think that squirrels grow their own fur. This is not true. PETA protests furriers for squirrels regularly.

3: The diet. I don't like fish. I also don't like cold water. Everyone has seen the films of majestic packs of squirrels hunting salmon in Puget Sound. This is not for me.

4: Language: Squirrels have 27 different words for kill, 21 different words for menace, and 33 different words for cuddle. I don't think I could master the subtleties of Sqeakish.

5: The smells: Squirrels have a very sharp and refined sense of smell. The average squirrel can tell what your cousin in Oklahoma thinks of Sarah Palin just by smelling the exhaust from your car. There are many, many smells that I do not want to get to know better.

I will stick to being a Lorax for now.

My plastic joy

I was tasked by Riot Kitty to share with the whole world 5 people I'd like to get jiggy with if I could, and apparently, my partner won't get mad and kill me with a shot gun. I'd need a time machine and some seduction enhancement medication.


My first grown up lust, Siouxsie. Hot goth.


Dana Delany: I saw Tombstone and many naughty and borderline illegal thoughts coalesced.


Isabella Rossellini: The first woman that David Lynch introduced me to. We had a short lived but torrid romance (in my head).



Jennifer Connelly: I dare you to watch Requiem for a Dream without loosing a bit of your heart.



Laura Harring: David Lynch again displays impeccable taste to my impressionable self.


Oh, there is a blogger that I have quite a crush on, although my thoughts are as pure as the driven snow. Really.

That is all.