New blog topic: Weekly (weakly?) ride report.

So I am going attempt a weekly ride report. It will be my cycling diary of sorts, so I can look back and say "That jerk last September though he knew what he was talking about. What a jerk!"

So here is my week:
Got in a couple of 6 mile fast rides in the evenings. Had to catch my breath a couple of times, pushing pretty hard. There is one brutish hill that I need climb on my way home on my short ride route. This time last year I climbed it at 6mph, recently that has risen to 14mph. It is my benchmark hill really.

Went for a ride with Darthweasel Thursday. We took some old paths that I had not ridden in 20 years, climbed 1 short but nasty hill. I had to stop at the top for a couple of minutes. Maybe 7 miles or so.

Today, after some fun with a flat tire, Darthweasel and I meandered about town for a while. DW was fast today, I had to work to keep up quite a few times. I later figured about 30 miles. One road that I'll not ride on again as the shoulder is very narrow and I'm not the type to impede traffic. We found a trail along the Tualitin River that was amazing. Fast, twisty and narrow. Fun!  Steep at the end though.

That's it. What, like you wanted more?

Squirrel Noir

There was a rather unhappy squirrel that lived in a nearby forest. Let's call him Roger.

One day a nice deer suggested to Roger that he go and talk to the river. Perhaps the wise river could help Roger be happy.

Roger walks off down to the river. "Mr. River," says Roger, "I am not happy."
"Why Roger, What are you unhappy about?" asks the River.
"Mr River, I want things that I cannot buy." says Roger.
The River replies "Roger, buying things is only a distraction. Things cannot make you happy."
"Mr. River, I have not been promoted at work and I know that I deserve to be." Roger asserts.
"Roger, look at yourself from your employers point of view. They probably place you where you are most needed." the River explains.
"Mr. River, I cannot run as fast or jump as high as I want to." Roger whines.
"Roger, you need to be willing to work hard for what you want to achieve. If you still cannot reach your goal, then perhaps your goal was too high. Be realistic." the River sighs tiredly.
"Mr River, My wife and family are not who I wanted them to be. They will not change!" Roger grouches.
"Roger, you cannot reshape your family to suit you. Perhaps you should accept them." the River sniffs.

"Mr. River, My real problem is that I am not rich. Why didn't you tell me? Why did I have to figure it out for myself? I cannot buy my wife a fur coat, I cannot afford good running shoes, I cannot buy a Brooks Brothers suit to impress my boss with, I cannot buy a new Escalade to drive about in."

"Roger, There are yellow rocks in my bed, Roger, retrieve them and you can trade them for money. Perhaps then you will be happy." the River says.
"Mr. River, Really?!"
"Really Roger. Be warned, this is a big risk, and if you value my wisdom you will not take it."

-A little while later
"Mr. River, what where those bubbles you had in you a little while ago? Where is Roger?" asks the Deer as she approaches the water.
"Fucking squirrels. They never listen." says the River.

I am working on a new skill...

I have many skills, none are very useful, but they amuse me. In the search for a new technique to master, I was told that the local community college was offering a course in creepy looks and stares. To succsessfully complete the course you should be able to look like this:

Now this could be very useful in many situations, such as: Jehovah's witnesses at you door, at a job interview, waiting in line at the DMV or Post Office, sex with a stranger, and many others.

Here is a mini blog within a blog of my classes:
Week 1: We were shown A Clockwork Orange repeatedly until we could sit though it with a straight face.
Week 2: 20 hours of being heckled by Scientology councilors.
Week 3: Chemical purge of hormones
Week 4: Required to show no outward emotion while viewing Westboro baptist church sermons
Week 5: Homework. Trips to the zoo to stare down large cats and owls.
Week 6: Now we had the emotionless stare, we had to make it creepy. We spent the week watching chess tournaments with porn soundtracks overdubbed. That worked well for all of us increasingly chemical dependent students.
Week 7: Homework.Scare strangers on a bus. To do this I bussed about reading Twilight and muttering approving noises into a portable tape recorder.

Next week if my final exam. I know intellectually that I would be nervous if I had any emotions left intact. I would let you know how it goes, but it really does not matter.

Whatever.

The number 20

If you are shopping for a new number, I suggest that you consider the number twenty.

Twenty was invented in the late 1300s by a French monk. An Englishman had just called him "a cheese-eating surrender monkey" and the monk replied with "I shall install nineteen, no...uh....TWENTY, Yes, twenty lices in your underwear!"  The Englishman did not know what twenty was, but he knew about lices so he apologized and went on his way.

The historical significance of the number twenty has shining moments and dark times as well. There were twenty people on the moon in 1969 when NASA held their first annual kegger in a crater party. On the darker side, Torquemada used twenty spikes and twenty heathens in his directorial debut "Happy Huggy Questions and Answers".

Twenty is also very versatile.You can use it to change a flat tire, divide it by broccoli, whiten your teeth, and also for your, um, marital problems.

In short: buy it now! Or buy eighty and share with friends! Just leave me alone...

Paid for by the four times five council.

Vampire Squirrels on the Moon!

It was a dark and starry night. The solar wind had quit howling as the sun set, leaving the landscape with a sense of tense waiting as if an unspeakable evil is about to wake. A dark rustle is heard but the source cannot be located. (I know, sound in vacuum? Suspend your disbelief already.) Tiny glints of reflected starlight can be seen in the distance like evil things that reflect light from far away. Fear grips you like an ice cream headache.

A panicked run will not help you, screaming will only help *them* find you. You look for a place to hide. Over there, to the left! No, your other left dummy! A large hole in the ground that's large enough to hide your fear in. And it is large.

Looking out from your hidey hole you begin to feel hope, like a straining bear who managed to catch a claw in the running hiker. Perhaps you will live though the night after all. As you settle in for your long wait to daylight you notice that the small cave that you are cowering in is remarkably comfortable. And warm. And a little stinky. And teeth line the walls. And there is a large tongue on the floor that disappears deeper into the ground. Perhaps you should have inspected your coward cave a little better before you dove in, genius. You are in a space sloth's mouth! You have only bare hours to escape before the giant beast bites down and swallows you up like something yummy that it likes to eat!

Peeking out of the sloth, you see the dreaded Vampire Squirrels on the Moon outside. They are waiting. They have a sign: "please remove yourself from our sloth". They have formed a protest.

Much later  you reflect on what good people Vampire Squirrels really are. The offer to share a pint with you was terribly considerate. You feel a little woozy though.

Attn: DarthWeasel

Performance. Instead of emailing, I thought to blog this to you.

I have been informed of a tagging.

Tagged. Me. Are we in such a poor state of affairs that a upstanding blogger like myself could be tagged without so much as a second thought? Is true.

1.) WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ? Brooks Brothers 3pc. pinstripe with a white spandex bodysuit underneath. You know, just in case.

2.) WHAT IS ONE THING THAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT YOU THE MOST ? Why did he say that?

3.) WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER HEAR SOMEONE SAY ABOUT YOU ? Please Sir, may I have another?

4.) WHAT PERFUME OR COLOGNE DO YOU WEAR ? I brew my own cologne from pure distilled rainwater and ambergris.

5.) VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE ? Chocolate if it comes in a bar, Vanilla if it comes in a tub.

6.) PLAYBOY OR MAXIM ? There are those who would find these choices limited. I have the internet.

7.) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE WITH ON THE PHONE ? Riot Kitty

8.) WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR A RINGTONE ? Rrrringgg......Rrringgg.... and so on.

9.) WHAT MOUNTAIN DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL TO MOST ? The Big Rock Candy Mountains
You never change your socks
And the little streams of alcohol
Come trickling down the rocks
The brakemen have to tip their hats
And the railway bulls are blind
There's a lake of stew
And of whiskey too
You can paddle all around it
In a big canoe
In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

10.) IF YOU ARE A MAN... ARE YOU A LEG MAN OR AN ASS MAN ? Both. Sooner would be better than later.

12.) DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOING DUTCH ON A FIRST DATE ? I prefer that she pay.

13.) WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOUR DATE FROM THE INTERNET SHOWED UP AND LOOKED 10 YEARS OLDER AND AT LEAST 30 LBS HEAVIER THAN IN THE PICTURE ? Depends on the picture that I forst say. It could be good, it could be bad.

14.) MEN.... WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WOKE UP AND DISCOVERED YOU HAVE A WOMAN'S BODY? I have one, right next to me. (in a non-creepy way...Sheesh, you people!)